Fungi are Fucking Metal

A Study in Biological Dominance

Some mushrooms look like penises

The Thesis

Fungi are not the passive growers we think they are.

The Thesis

They are fucking metal killers, survivors, trippers and sometimes just fucking creepy.

A brief aside

Parts of a fungus

I stole this image lol

Hunters

Regarding the consumption of Nematodes.

One prefers one's worms served promptly.

Method A: The Constriction

Arthrobotrys

A pressure-sensitive hydraulic loop. Upon entry, the cells inflate instantly.

A rather tight embrace.

Method B: The Adhesive

Knobs coated in paralytic neurotoxins.

One touch ensures the guest remains for dinner.

Method C: The Ballistic

Haptoglossa

A pressurized "gun cell." It fires a biological harpoon through the epidermis.

Quite literally, a drive-by shooting.

What doesn't kill you will make you wish you died

  • The Death Cap
  • The Destroying Angel
  • Erin Patterson's Beef Wellington

What happens when you eat a green-spored parasol?

Give us another fun one!

Poison Fire Coral

It's in the name

  • Proximity Sickness
  • Touching Causes Rashes

Can I eat it?

  • Brain Shrinkage
  • Skin delamination on hands and face

Yay! Drugs!

Lanmaoa asiatica

Commonly found in the Yunnan province.


The Effects: Micropsia.

The Experience: One does not see colors. One sees hundreds of tiny gentlemen marching across one's credenza.

Part IV: Resilience

Thriving in rather ungentlemanly conditions.

Chernobyl

Found inside the reactor, growing towards the radiation.

Radiosynthesis: Converting gamma radiation into energy.
They are dining on our nuclear waste.

The Cosmos

Specimens found on the exterior of the International Space Station.

The vacuum of space is merely an inconvenience.

Part V: The Finale

Massospora cicadina

"The Flying Salt Shaker of Death"

  • The subject's posterior detaches entirely.
  • Replaced by a fungal prosthetic.
  • Subject is dosed with Amphetamines & Psilocybin.
  • Proceeds to engage in frenzied, non-reproductive mating attempts.

In Conclusion

We are merely temporary tenants on their property.


Thank you.

Any questions


I probably don't know the answer anyway.